Self-Compassion

Then we will revisit the experience (usually a painful one) that caused your knot. We heal the painful memory through focused self-compassion practices, and its impact on your experience of the world changes. The experience of care and compassion is deeply rooted in our mammalian physiology. Affective neuroscientists have shown that the experience of care is one of the primary tools for emotional regulation in every mammal. By revisiting a painful memory while practicing self-compassion, we engage in a process called “memory reconsolidation” which changes how the memory is stored in the brain. A traumatic or painful memory can be healed through this process.

From Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy · Chapter 1

Let’s take a moment and reflect on the question, “What is it that heals suffering?” There is a saying that “Time heals all wounds,” but for those of us who work in mental health, we know that’s not always true. People can hang onto their suffering for a very long time. So if time alone is not enough, what is it that heals suffering? In Buddhist psychology, it is said that compassion is the energy that heals suffering (Hanh, 2011). Compassion is applied to suffering like salve to a wound, and when this happens, the result is healing and transformation. It doesn’t matter if the source of that compassion is oneself or another person. What matters is that somehow compassion makes direct contact with our pain.

From Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy · Chapter 1

I believe there are three specific types of understanding—the three key ingredients—that have the power to create compassion within us.

1. We understand that the person suffers. When we don’t see the role that suffering plays in how people are acting, we come up with all kinds of mistaken views about why they are doing what they’re doing. We might think they are selfish, cruel, or enjoy making us miserable. If that’s how we think about someone, we aren’t going to feel much compassion.

2. We understand the person wants to be happy and is attempting (however unskillfully) to create happiness for themselves and others. It’s possible to have every intention to create happiness for ourselves and other people, and just not know how. For example, if my son stole something, I might lose my temper and yell at him. I’m not yelling because I enjoy making him suffer. I’m yelling because I don’t want him to make choices that will cause more suffering in his life. I want him to be happy, and I can’t think of a better way to make that happen in that moment than to yell at him. If someone could tell me what to do so that he would feel really loved and never steal anything again, I’d certainly prefer to do that.

In fact, I’d like you to stop and think about one of the worst things you’ve ever done in your life—a choice that you deeply regret. Once you’ve chosen something, reflect on this: If, in that moment, you had known how you could have created happiness (or safety or whatever basic need) for yourself and still made others happy, would you have chosen to do that? Really take a minute to consider this question. If, in that difficult moment, you could have come up with some way to take care of your own needs and make other people happy, would you have rather done that?

I’ve asked this question to many clients and the answer is almost always the same. Even the actions we regret most weren’t done from a truly malicious intent. Plenty of people will say that they did want to cause pain to another person, because it was the only way they could think of to take care of their own needs. If they could have made themselves feel safe or understood, etc., without harming the other person, they would have preferred that, but they didn’t know how. When we see this basic motivation toward happiness in ourselves and others, compassion becomes more possible.

3. We understand that we are not fundamentally separate from each other. If you are a person who suffers and wants to be happy, then you have a lot in common with every other person on the planet. This is something that we all share and that connects us. It is part of what it means to be human. Seeing that we are all in this situation together—that we all struggle, want to be happy, and don’t always know how to make that happen—this is the third key ingredient to compassion.

The Dalai Lama (2006) beautifully describes these three ingredients in his statement: “Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that feeling everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering. . . . Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same” (p.180) When we can see that other people are just like we are—that they suffer and want to be happy—what emerges is a special kind of alliance. We want them to have relief from their suffering and to be happy, just like they do. It’s a deep kind of wishing them well. It’s a wanting for them not to suffer and to be happy. This desire often leads to action that is about trying to help the situation. However, if you realize there is nothing more you can do, there is still a tremendous amount of power in just wishing someone well in a focused and conscious way.

From Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy · Chapter 2

The key point here is that the practice of self-compassion recruits the Care Circuit to produce oxytocin and endogenous opioids. These bonding chemicals act to comfort our negative emotions and reduce distress. From your brain’s perspective, comforting yourself is almost identical to being nurtured by someone else.

Panksepp believes that if distressing memories are reconsolidated while the Care Circuit is active, they become less distressing. In other words, if a client is receiving compassionate attention from a therapist or is practicing self-compassion while connecting with painful memories or negative core beliefs, that juxtaposition is a recipe for healing at a molecular level. In my view, this process is the most relevant application of neuroscience to the mental health field.

From Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy · Chapter 7

The simplest way to explain how this process works is to go back to the analogy of applying salve to a wound. When we are able to send compassion directly to our suffering—when it makes direct contact—the result is healing. The compassion can come from oneself or from another person; either way is fine. What matters most is that the part of oneself that is suffering is embraced with open acceptance and love.

Thich Nhat Hanh (2011) uses the image of a mother embracing her crying baby to illustrate how this process works. When the baby starts to cry, the mother responds by picking him up and holding him with her full compassionate presence. If the mother is calm, peaceful, and loving, the baby begins to feel better right away. Our own suffering is just like that. If we can hold our suffering like a mother holds her crying baby, with that kind of openness and warmth, this can be enough to create real transformation and healing.

However, sometimes being held is not enough. If a baby is hungry, wet, or in pain, true compassion requires that the mother address the source of the problem. She holds the baby with compassion and that helps him feel somewhat calmer, but if the baby is still crying, the mother begins to inquire into the causes of his suffering. Once she understands the causes, it is only natural for her to act to remedy them. You wouldn’t expect a mother to notice her baby has a wet diaper and then just empathize without changing it. That would be weird. When she understands what is causing the baby’s suffering, the mother takes action. The practice of self-compassion is the same.

We are instructed to recognize when suffering is present in us and to hold it just like a mother holds her crying baby: with that kind of openness and warmth. Often that’s all we need to feel better, but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes there are deeper problems we need to understand and address. We recognize that we’re suffering, and we hold that suffering with compassion until the mind begins to feel a little calmer. We might practice feeling our suffering as sensations in the body, or use some kind of visualization. As the mind settles down, we have more clarity with which to inquire into the causes of our suffering. Is there some painful experience from our past that is being triggered, or some negative core belief that’s causing us to suffer? Whatever it is, we can respond skillfully once we understand.

From Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy · Chapter 6

When Buddhaghosa explains why it makes sense to begin by sending compassion to oneself, he says that the self is the easiest possible object of compassion. However, that isn’t always true. For many of us, and especially for our clients, sending compassion to ourselves is far from easy. For some clients, it would be the ultimate goal of therapy, rather than a simple place to begin. So instead of following his specific suggestion, I propose we follow Buddhaghosa’s reasoning and begin with whatever image makes it easiest for the client to get in touch with the energies of warmth and compassion.

1. Explore different objects until you find one that brings up natural, uncomplicated feelings of warmth and love. For some people this might be a baby, it might be an animal, or it might be a baby animal. We want to use whatever image helps turn on the Care Circuit and get the oxytocin and opiates flowing. We don’t say, “Choose the person you love the most,” since that is more likely to be a complicated relationship that brings up mixed feelings. We want something easy and uncomplicated. Pets and grandchildren are some of the most popular objects clients tend to choose for this exercise.

2. Can you imagine a being—whether it’s someone you’ve known, a religious figure, an image from nature, or even a fictional character—just someone who could completely love and accept you? The first practice doesn’t work for everyone. If a client can’t find an image that inspires uncomplicated warmth and love, then I will usually try these instructions. In this practice, the client might choose a grandmother, Jesus Christ, a white light, etc. Again, we are just looking for whatever imagery stimulates the Care Circuit, so the person/image can be living, dead, or even imaginary. What matters is that imagined object helps the client generate the feeling of being loved.

Philosophy · Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy